I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
