i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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