He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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