It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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