I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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