Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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