so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
