I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
