You're so nebulous sometimes
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
