Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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