I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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