I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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