Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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