Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
