just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
