you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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