I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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