Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize