the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
