I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
