hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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