you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
