It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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