why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
