I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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