No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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