when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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