Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
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