remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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