i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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