You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
