How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
