i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
