smell my finger.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
