Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
