it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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