After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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