what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
