Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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