I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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