I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
