1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
