Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Can I color on your dick again?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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