I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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