I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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