I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
