What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
