My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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