When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
