he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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