I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
