I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
