My friends, they love my intelligence
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize