Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
