I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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