this boner is exhausting
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
