Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
