nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
