what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Your dad touched me again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
