Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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