Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
